Post by dtex on Nov 8, 2007 15:08:08 GMT -5
I've been in California for a week, waiting to take my California Electrical Journeyman Test, and found this while surfing the net for porn, 
I mean taking a study break.
Why I love the South
Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption.
Nobody but a true Southerner knows how many fish make up a mess.
A true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of yonderways.
A true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in "Going to town, be back directly."
Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
True Southerners know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold 'tater salad. (If the trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add some hot biscuits and "nanner puddin'.)
True Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece."
True Southerners both know and understand the differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
True Southerners know that "fixin" can be used both as a noun, verb and adverb.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You might be a yankee if:
1. Your wife opens the door for you.
2. You let doors slam in anyone’s face (male or female).
3. You think dinner & supper are the same meal.
4. Your philosophy is "there oughta be a law".
5. You escape high taxes in the North and vote to raise them in the South.
6. Your socks match your "outfit".
7. You're a winter resident of "Floorida".
8. What's on T.V. tonight is important.
9. Who won the academy awards is news.
10. You believe your newspaper contains news.
11. Y'all is one person.
12. You wave at the lady with the flat tire.
13. You consider yourself a "progressive" instead of a nosy, busybody do-gooder.
14. You talk through your nose.
15. You fall for a Southern used car salesman turned president.
16. You're patriotic no matter what the government does.
17. You're offended by Southern symbols in the South.
18. You talk with your mouth full.
19. Your parents never taught you to say “thank-you”.
20. You think addressing your elders as “Sir” & “Ma’am” will hurt your self esteem.
21. You consider your car a status symbol.
22. You take the Wall Street Journal so your neighbors will see it in your driveway.
23. You call everyone “Guys”.
24. When you want others to think you’ve done something extraordinary you holler “Yesssss!”
You are a damn-yankee if:
1. You think you live in a free country.
2. You truly believe that Abe Lincoln freed anyone, anywhere.
3. You think it was “for the best” that the North won the War for Southern Independence.
4. You consider the citizens of the Confederacy to have been traitors to the U.S.
5. You see nothing at all wrong with the union army attacking the South and the union navy blockading Southern ports.
6. You think you have a right to tell Southerners how to live and if they don’t agree to force them.
7. You think it’s funny to depict Southerners as ignorant, slack-jawed, buck-toothed, inbred, violent, backwoods, beer-swilling potbellied rednecks, who just need to lighten-up and learn how to laugh at themselves.
8. You cannot fathom why Southerners would not want to keep company with you.
9. There’s some part of the statement, “Leave us the hell alone!” that you just can’t grasp.
10.You think our struggle for Independence from you people is over.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things That Make You Go Hmmmmmmmmm:
1. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
4. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
5. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
6. Why is a boxing ring square?
7. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
8. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
9. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
10. Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?
11. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
12. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
14. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
15. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
16. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
17. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
18. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
19. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
20. Why do we park in driveways, and drive on parkways?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
North vs. South
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
The South has 'mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy,
The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance,
The South has an amalance.
The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.
The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters,
The South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... Don't buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
I mean taking a study break.Why I love the South
Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption.
Nobody but a true Southerner knows how many fish make up a mess.
A true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of yonderways.
A true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in "Going to town, be back directly."
Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
True Southerners know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold 'tater salad. (If the trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add some hot biscuits and "nanner puddin'.)
True Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece."
True Southerners both know and understand the differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
True Southerners know that "fixin" can be used both as a noun, verb and adverb.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You might be a yankee if:
1. Your wife opens the door for you.
2. You let doors slam in anyone’s face (male or female).
3. You think dinner & supper are the same meal.
4. Your philosophy is "there oughta be a law".
5. You escape high taxes in the North and vote to raise them in the South.
6. Your socks match your "outfit".
7. You're a winter resident of "Floorida".
8. What's on T.V. tonight is important.
9. Who won the academy awards is news.
10. You believe your newspaper contains news.
11. Y'all is one person.
12. You wave at the lady with the flat tire.
13. You consider yourself a "progressive" instead of a nosy, busybody do-gooder.
14. You talk through your nose.
15. You fall for a Southern used car salesman turned president.
16. You're patriotic no matter what the government does.
17. You're offended by Southern symbols in the South.
18. You talk with your mouth full.
19. Your parents never taught you to say “thank-you”.
20. You think addressing your elders as “Sir” & “Ma’am” will hurt your self esteem.
21. You consider your car a status symbol.
22. You take the Wall Street Journal so your neighbors will see it in your driveway.
23. You call everyone “Guys”.
24. When you want others to think you’ve done something extraordinary you holler “Yesssss!”
You are a damn-yankee if:
1. You think you live in a free country.
2. You truly believe that Abe Lincoln freed anyone, anywhere.
3. You think it was “for the best” that the North won the War for Southern Independence.
4. You consider the citizens of the Confederacy to have been traitors to the U.S.
5. You see nothing at all wrong with the union army attacking the South and the union navy blockading Southern ports.
6. You think you have a right to tell Southerners how to live and if they don’t agree to force them.
7. You think it’s funny to depict Southerners as ignorant, slack-jawed, buck-toothed, inbred, violent, backwoods, beer-swilling potbellied rednecks, who just need to lighten-up and learn how to laugh at themselves.
8. You cannot fathom why Southerners would not want to keep company with you.
9. There’s some part of the statement, “Leave us the hell alone!” that you just can’t grasp.
10.You think our struggle for Independence from you people is over.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things That Make You Go Hmmmmmmmmm:
1. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
4. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
5. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
6. Why is a boxing ring square?
7. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
8. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
9. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
10. Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?
11. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
12. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
14. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
15. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
16. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
17. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
18. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
19. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
20. Why do we park in driveways, and drive on parkways?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
North vs. South
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
The South has 'mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy,
The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance,
The South has an amalance.
The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.
The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters,
The South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... Don't buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
